DRAMA

Images courtesy chatGPT 

By: Nasser Yousaf 

SOCRATIC IRONY

A man, quite plain in all respects, sat comfortably in his simple traditional dress on the stage. He held an important position in the government, and was being interviewed on how his ministry was handling various matters.

You are the minister in charge of environment. It was originally the department or ministry of forest. Given the fact that environment was in focus throughout the world, do you find yourself prepared to undertake what appears to be a daunting task?

Yes, of course! I have decided to promote beekeeping in the forests. That will provide jobs to the people and people will also get good honey 🍯. 

But my question and concern was about the more important matters of afforestation and the preservation of the existing forests?

Yes, this is a good question. I will talk to the officials in my department to start paying proper attention to these matters. When we next meet, I will give you a great news.

Ok, Mr. Minister, I am sure you know that everyone is talking about the climate change. What is your understanding of the issue and what steps are you going to take towards arresting the decline in the climate?

This is a very good question. I have talked to my people about this and we have decided to send warnings to all the hospitals and industries in the province to take proper care of the wastes flowing out of their premises. You know that 'chusni' (dummy or pacifier) that we give to our babies to calm them down is made from the hospitals' wastes. So you can see how harmful it happened to be. Once we succeed here, we will divert the wastes from the hospitals and industries towards the production of electricity. 

The minister was not at all self-conscious, and that was the most bewildering aspect of his character. In fact, his confidence was such that it would have sent jitters down the spines of Socrates, Plato and Aristotle.

A few months elapsed between the foregoing conversation and what followed subsequently. The gentleman concerned was relieved of the charge of environment. He was made the minister in charge of the affairs of livestock. He was expected to have fairly adequate knowledge of the new responsibilities because before entering politics he used to deal in meat-selling in his hometown.

Mr. Minister, I wanted to congratulate you on assuming the charge of your new department.

Thank you. You are very kind.

Sir, could you please inform the public about your plans and priorities to promote dairy farming in the province because there appeared to be a shortage of good quality dairy products like milk, butter 🧈 etcetera in the province?

Yes, indeed. We have decided to import injections from Argentina. We will administer those injections to buffalos 🐃 🐃 🐃, after that buffalos in ninety per cent cases will give birth only to male offsprings. You know female offsprings consume more milk which creates a deficiency in the milk market. Each injection will cost us 12, ,000/ Rupees.

Ah! I see. This is quite interesting but do you not think it will lead to the extinction of the buffalos from the cattle market?

Well, that is not at all possible but we will certainly look into this aspect.

It was a gruelling drama. The script retained its intensity relentlessly. There appeared to be no respite for the audience. But what was really encouraging was that the audience found themselves in tune with or at the same wavelength as the lead characters. The stoicism of the audience received wide nods of appreciation from around the world.

The scene now changed to where the chief minister appeared in his complete regalia. He was sporting long hair hanging from his shoulders which seemed to have more colours or shades than one could find in the rainbow. He could always be heard speaking very loudly in his rough and shrilly voice. This had endowed him with the uncanny ability of sending the audience into fits of paroxysm.

Mr. Chief Minister, there appears to be insurmountable challenges that needed to be tackled adroitly. Law and order situation seem to be going haywire. How do you see your government grappling with it?

Everything is as good as it could be. We have produced a surplus budget. No other province in the country can match our performance. We are effectively countering the propaganda.

But, Sir, there appears to be grave problems. The infrastructure is either non existent or helplessly broken down. Unemployment among the educated is soaring by the day. Your universities do not have funds to expend on salaries and pensions. How could the province afford to have a surplus budget?

We know this better than anyone else in the world. As I have said it many times, do not believe in a word what you see and hear. Let me tell you in simple words. Our people do not want food, medicine, education, roads, they just want the release of our imprisoned leader. Once he comes out of the prison, he will say 'be' and you will see a turn around in the people's lives.

When he thus spoke, he appeared to be drooling and seized with a peculiar kind of excitement.

The scenes kept changing rapidly. The audience looked fully enthralled. A portly bespectacled man with a thick crop of closely trimmed dark black beard appeared on the stage. He looked much older for his relatively younger years, and was introduced as the leader of one of the opposition parties. 

Sir, where do you see the province heading, especially from the point of view of the security situation in the province?

Oh, it's terrible! Actually, it is our party's people who are being targeted, and we know this better than anyone else. They want to snatch our resources from us, and they consider us as obstructionists.

That is really sad and indeed alarming, isn't that? But how do you see it happening and who are 'they', do you mean the military?

I mean the Pakhthuns' territory will once again be used as a battlefield between the US and China.

But, Sir, America and China have never had an active war so what could be the trigger with this special reference to the phrases 'once again'  and 'the Pakhthuns' territory' as you have used them?

Well, all indications point to it. If you do not agree then what can I do. 

But why of all the God's created places would the US and China choose your province as the battlefield, is there some kind of mythology attached to this piece of land?

Hmm!

His plumpish face betrayed visible signs of exasperation.

Just then two ladies, their faces hidden beneath layers of atrocious makeup, appeared unannounced on the stage. In fact, it was their demeanour that announced them. Only a few from amongst the audience could discern opportunism in their eyes which felt heavy under the stupendous weight of mascara. One of them challenged the cop in chief of her area to a duel. She threatened to block the major arteries of the province and also sue the cop if he didn't accept her challenge.

The other lady was immediately summoned for a meeting with the country's prime minister. She was a nonentity but her hair had suddenly turned golden from grief after the death of her husband as Oscar Wilde had so wittingly said of such widows. 

The elderly prime minister, with the angel of death 💀 lurking around his visibly trembling lips, ordered for the induction of the lady in the country's parliament. He also requested her to produce urgent solutions to the country's myriad problems from out of her magical makeup box.

The tragicomedy continued. The audience was glued to their seats. Their jubilance was awe-inspiring. There was rapture all around except when they betrayed their anger by shouting slogans against the soldiers. The entire world watched them and called them the bravest people in the world who had also defeated Alexander although the Macedonian King had not fought any battle here when he passed through this godforsaken piece of land.

A well known cleric now occupied the stage in his signature white robes. He had a massive physiognomy or so it appeared in a double-extra large size turban and an enormous crop of beard. He was known for getting what he aspired. The talk in the town was that had there been a position like that of the Pope in the creed that the Maulana professed he would have gotten it without much ado. Unequalled smugness was his chief characteristic. And his facial expressions would exhibit a kind of play between a smirk and a sardonic smile by turns as if some strings were at work.

Your holiness, which direction was the country heading to?

People in the power corridors have absolutely no knowledge, insight or foresight. They are playing with fire. They do not take our counsel and keep on doing what pleases them the most.

But how come you vote for whatever legislation the powers that be lay down before the legislature?

We consult among ourselves in the party on such matters. You know our party has a consultative council where decisions were made in the larger interest of the country.

So what does the consultative council make of the reforms the government wants to introduce in the religious seminaries?

What reforms? Over our dead bodies! Our students can beat the students of the best universities of the world on any turf.

The audience took a sigh of contentment. They thanked their stars for their deadened faculties of intellect, for their sightless sights, voiceless voices, wordless words, spineless spines, tasteless tastes, mirthless mirth, joyless joys, funless fun, charmless charms, loveless loves, cureless cures,  craftless crafts, humourless humours, witless wits and friendless friends!

Curtains!