NEWS OF SUBSTANCE

A BIZARRE DRAMA ON THE FORBIDDEN LAWNS

By: NASSER YOUSAF

The flotsam and the cause thereof came to the surface on the same day. It certainly looked to be some kind of magical realism, hard to believe in and yet true to the last fragment.

Yesterday, we were told that the recently set up Prime Minister's Citizens Complaints Portal had received nearly 6000 applications from KP alone, not one of which had so far been redressed to the satisfaction of the suppliants. And then again yesterday, which was the 27th day of the month of November, 2018, we came to know that the officers who were to provide relief to those in distress had decided not to work with so and so officers of the other groups till the removal of same people from their present positions.

The officers protesting the appointment of an assortment of officers from the other departments, including some good professionals, had gathered on the lawns facing the office of the chief secretary in the Civil Secretariat Peshawar. They wore black armbands and hurled all kinds of civil and not quite too civil threats at whomsoever they considered to be in a position of authority and not listening to them. Contrary to comporting themselves like calm and composed members of an association of civil officers, the protesting officers could be seen to have formed themselves into a trade union like body. For the last many years, this circus is going on on the lawns of the Civil Secretariat and elsewhere in the divisional and district offices of Khyber Pakhtunkhwa targeting the officers of the federal government and sundry provincial government departments calling them as usurper. Successive chief secretaries have witnessed this theater from the windows of their decorous offices with complete equanimity to the utter neglect of the public at their mercy and to whom they are regarded as servants in the official parlance.

We all remember that not quite long ago a mullah in the scenic valley of Swat had started operating a radio station with an evening broadcast in which the vituperative preacher and his appointed spokesman would warn the public of the dire fate that awaited them if they did not mend their alleged promiscuous ways. The FM radio station, for it was thus branded, went on smoothly and allegedly with full civil patronage at the helm in Swat then. There was just a solitary voice that kept blowing the whistle from the platform of a newspaper, but that voice of conscience was soon silenced and made to run for his life to the safe waters of America.

In so many ways, the drama enacted on the lawns of the Civil Secretariat is akin to what the mullah in Swat was doing with absolute impunity. It wasn't until the mullah went completely berserk before the state realized how grave the threat was. In truth, the mullah named Fazlullah ought to be a metaphor in the context of KP for all that is neglected without compunction at great cost to the civil polity.

In the case of Swat, all that the government needed to do was to severe the link through which Fazlullah was emotionally blackmailing his gullible and vulnerable audience. All that the government needs to do in the present case is to draft a one line policy to announce in no uncertain words and terms that appointment to any post in the province shall be made purely on the basis of professional expertise and talent possessed by an individual no matter to whichever group that person belongs.

The size of the provincial officers is increasing rapidly. The burgeoning strength of the officers ought to ring alarm or soon you will have another monster like PIA or Pakistan Steel to cope with.

• What has been narrated succinctly in the foregoing may be treated as a complaint by the writer for its disposal through the Prime Minister Citizens Portal, provided the portal in question is functioning.

LANGUAGE (THE)

THE

By: NASSER YOUSAF

A student in the examination hall was continously pestering another candidate sitting on the front desk for some help. He wouldn't get any. Frustrated, the helpless student begged the candidate who was ardently filling up sheets to help him out with just one word. 'The,' the candidate on the front seat blurted out.

A friend once asked me If I had paid attention to how much our bureaucracy relied on 'the' in their official memos and indeed all types of official and semi and demi official letters. 'Do note it! officialdom is riddled with it,' she advised with a mischievous smile. I started doing so and found numerous examples that would force a smile or two.

'The competent authority is pleased to order that the drain that runs from the Hayayabad through the University Town and running through the length and the breadth of the city of the Peshawar should be immediately cleaned before the smell rising from it chokes the people of the whole of the Peshawar to the suffocating death,' a typical official circular to the line departments would read.

Apparently, there is little harm in banking so heavily on a definite article, and drawing strength thereof, in an area where all that one sees and hears of is so painfully indefinite.

Bureaucracy thrives on clichés, especially when it comes to covering up its ineptitude. And, then there are also some catch-words that it loves to keep harping on.

Khyber Pakhtunkhwa's bureaucracy loves using nouns like 'paradigm' and adjectives like 'overarching' to sound more impressive and indeed not to be taken lightly. 'This is a paradigm shift,' an introduction to a proposal reads, and 'this will be an overarching solution,' an addendum to every proposal so as to convince the approving authority of its unique efficacy.

One wonders if such fashionable phraseology wasn't employed in various stages of the ongoing project called Bus Road Transit (BRT) right up to its fateful execution. It might have run something like, 'BRT is a paradigm shift from the existing road network which was conceived during some idle moments by the previous governments when bureaucracy was seized with some other tasks, and that the BRT after it is built will be such an overarching frame around the cityscape that every living being living in its proximity will cease to live thereafter.'

Officialdom in our part of the planet has changed little except to the extent of employing neologisms and playing around with some otherwise sacrosanct words in a manner that has only spoiled the very sounds of these words. It would do us all a world of good if we stop reading and hearing words like 'reforms,' 'monitoring,' 'e-government' and the best of the trash 'paperless government' in the official documents and conversations.

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NEWS OF SUBSTANCE

ONE HUNDRED AND EIGHTY NINE WORDS

By: NASSER YOUSAF

Please note who are at the helm in KP at a time when the province is in a state of turmoil in the wake of a merger with the tribal areas where the entire existential cycle is in a state of transition:

A slow, incompetent and indeed ignorant CS who having never served in KP, doesn't know South from North Waziristan and why the two areas are so distinguished. Probably, he has never been as far as Jamrud as one mostly finds him snuggled in his office in a suit with a very suffocating small knot of a tie around his neck.

A CM who still appears to be in a state of shock three months down the road after having been chosen as the Chief Executive despite his awe-inspiring handicaps in all matters central to a stultifying existence in his kingdom.

A Governor who is a staunch believer in governance through Mouth to Mouth Communication.

This leaves me wondering why my newspapers do not allow me even this much humour when such matters are outside the pale of an otherwise repressive censorship 🤔😳😉